June 17th, 2012

June 14th, 2012
I went to see Ms. R about my Child Development, to ask if I could spread it out across this A2 (maybe?) sized board and she said that’d be great and stuff. I was sort of all over the place and ended up saying “you know it’s just lovely because people are actually talking to me again” and she said “you look so much more approachable. There’s just this… light in your face and you seem so much happier,” and she went on to tell me about her experience with depression and she really related to me and it was fucking wonderful.

June 15th, 2012
I sat in my Chemistry retake and didn’t write a single word. I sat there for an hour and did nothing and it actually felt fab. I then stayed at Max’s overnight with Oli and it was really cute and lovely. I went to see K (his mum) at 10pm-ish to borrow a hair tie and she cleared the sofa bit next to her so I sat down and she just told me to look after myself and really take care because I’m wonderful and wow it was just…. I can’t even believe she said it. I ended up crying (omg what is wrong with me lately) and she was so great and told me about her past with Max’s dad and the previous guy, and F, Max’s older sister and wow it was incredible.

June 16th, 2012
The day of mum’s friend’s fiftieth birthday party. I can’t even… wow. She was crying throughout the day and saying she didn’t want to go and stuff and then I told her to get in the bath and afterwards, we dressed up and just went. I jotted down the experience on my iPod so I’m going to put each point and then probably write a bit ok fab.

• P (birthday girl) and R (husband) hugging and smiling and fab
  He used to be kind of rubbish and stiff and urg and stuff and we disliked him and it was frustrating, but he got help and now his children like and appreciate him and he dressed up as a monkey and properly wildly danced with P and then wow like what the fuck, why couldn’t dad do that? Why couldn’t he change? R realised something was wrong and got help, I just don’t understand why dad couldn’t do the same
• I wore my Jeffrey Campbell Litas
  And wow the compliments I got on my legs and the shoes were wonderful. Really really wonderful and it made me feel great
• T and A are somebody I used to speak to, Ben’s, parents
  We sat with them and L, another friend’s mum - and T was hilarious omg. He told me about Ben and George shooting rabbits with air rifles and then skinning and gutting and eating them and omfg I was just like no don’t say that djgdflkjg no and he had the same look on his face like he couldn’t handle it hahaha and then L started talking about her son smoking and I just sat there really really quietly and T looked at me and was like “does Ben smoke?” and I was just like “erm,” and so he said “so he does.” and I was like “no wait I don’t know, I’ve heard things but I doubt it” and omg it was just really funny ok you had to be there but wow shit I still feel great, fuck
• T: “I’m surprised the rabbits stayed still with all that smoke” - he was great ok hahaha
• Mum danced
  From being really low and crying and feeling shit and (I think) being on the verge of a serious breakdown, she pulled herself together and she actually danced. For the first time in a long time, she got up and went and danced in front of people and actually enjoyed herself. It may have been the four glasses of wine and two shots of vodka, but hey, who cares. She was amazing and I nearly burst into tears because I was so, so impressed and just sat there quietly because… idk I love her so much and she means everything to me
• “You’re really amazing”
  L, the mother of a friend who I’ve known since I was a baby and C, the mother of a popular girl in the year above me were wonderful. I only just met C today but we pretty much stuck with them and when mum went to the toilet, L said “El, you really are lovely, you know that?” and I was just like “erm wait what?” and her and C just started complimenting me so much and I nearlyy cried again oh my god just fuck somebody sort me out

June 11th, 2012

This is going to sound terribly sad and self-pitying but it’s actually a huge thing for me. People spoke to me today. It’s not like I endure the day in silence, but I have two, maybe three people I really exchange conversation with. Today, people actually cared and took an interest and I felt happy for the first time in a very long time. I’m still sort of buzzing and I’d be in school if I’d known where my next lesson was - the classroom was empty so I left. It was just really lovely to feel like people actually cared about how I was feeling and what I had to say.

June 10th, 2012

It's exactly a year since we took our house back. I'm not sure that words can adequately describe this moment.

June 8th, 2012 #2

The only stuff I’m going to leave out is stuff with my mum because I’d rather not remember it lol.
I got to the station, and lucky me, every train that stopped at the place where I needed to go was cancelled. Cloudie ended up sorting it out for me and finding me an alternative route (life saver) so I ended up going one town over and then going from there. I met Yasmin and we hugged and it was adorable and stuff before we hopped on a train to where Cloudie was meeting us. We basically wandered around and did a little bit of shopping (I will make a post later with my fabulous purchases) before going for lunch in this little restaurant-café type place. We sat down and when we’d nearly finished eating, we realised there was this group of people beside McDonalds across the road looking at us… and so Cloudie decides to pretend to be Egyptian and dance around so they all stare and omfG it was the best thing ever, I cannot even describe it to you. Actually we have a video, it will explain it even better omfg let me die, I managed to turn it suavely so that we caught the peoples’s reactions l o l. Yasmin and I heard about Cloudie, her sister and her boyfriend’s tribal dance to Friday by Rebecca Black, her spider stories and we discovered the Italian stare. The McDonalds clan continued to watch us from inside their natural habitat and it was fab. Two guys walked by and one of them was wearing a flat cap and Cloudie was like “ah how cool are they with their flat caps”, and I realised only one of them was wearing it and said “two boys one flat cap” and Yasmin and Cloudie laughed and AW CUTE what a fab new url for me. So many memories will come from it omg. After that, we did more shopping and Cloudie found her perfect prom dress (uh discounting the fact that it is £325 oops) and we shopped and stuff and stuff before going to Costa and then I caught the train home and it was great omg.
Negatives: 

• hurting mum beyond belief
• dry heaving on the train home
• crying hysterically and nearly throwing up in Clapham Junction toilets
• having to leave Yasmin and Cloudie
• feeling ill the whole time l o l

June 8th, 2012

I am meeting Cloudie and Yasmin today. I feel like I'm going to throw up or be stuck on the toilet all day because my stomach hates me and I'm so, so, so fucking nervous. Yasmin is pretty much my life and I just.............. I can't even handle this wow

June 4th, 2012

I'm struggling right now because I want to make this perfect. It means more to me than almost anything else but I'm finding it hard to get it to move smoothly. It's exactly a year and two hours since I last spoke to my dad. At around this time, I was crying and walking the dog with my mum, telling her I couldn't go home after how he'd treated me. After that, I walked across the village at 11pm or so and stayed at a family friend's for the night. When I returned home, he ignored me until we left and went to stay at our friend's for a few days because we couldn't handle being around him. Six days from now it'll be the year mark since we moved back into the house, changed the locks, and kicked him out for good. I have no plans to talk to him ever again because he really, really doesn't deserve it. I can't explain how much this day means to me and at the same time I've more or less just thrown it away. Maybe that was the best way to handle it and yeah ok I think I'll just stop now.