April 28th, 2012

I don't know what I'm doing with myself any more lol. I feel really super duper shit today and I shouldn't but whatever. I went to school for four lessons the other day - the most in a hell of a while and that was good but I feel worse than usual now.

April 19th, 2012 #2

I also created this background for my main blog on Tumblr and it's sort of terrible but when it's repeated it's not the worst thing in the world. It's pills - appropriate since my blog is titled fluoxetine.

April 19th, 2012

I went to the dentist today and yay he's called Dr. Pulley (how ironic) and he said my teeth are perfect, I just need to brush them a bit harder and woo fab. I didn't go to school because I cried like fuck last night and it was terrible but yeah whatever. I feel sort of shit now but sort of ok at the same time and just very.... ill for some reason hm.

April 18th, 2012 #3

Cool lol call me a self-centred whore. You're a dumbass bitch so I sort of don't care.

April 18th, 2012 #2

This is one of the few times I wish I had my own room so I could just sit and cry.

April 18th, 2012

Today was actually okay and I have no idea how. Well, school was, at least. Up until 8pm. I went in at 9am and went to Triple Science with Griffin and it was nice and relaxed and Magda smiled at me lots and Finn came and sat with me and Beth helped me and aw yeah it was nice. I walked to Geography with Anouska and I got a C for my Geography skjdfklsdjf fuck but oh well and erm..... yep. Max and Oli were lovely but lol I think everyone just thinks I'm so breakable and weak and stuff so everyone's like... not on edge, but you can tell that everyone works hard not to upset me or whatever. The other Beth caught up to me when I left and I was standing at the top of the girl's cloakroom and we had a super duper lovely chat before Harvey just came at me with his arms open and we had a huge hug and stupid boy has gone and grown again - taller than me and his voice is all deep and cute aw. He texted me a while ago saying stuff was bad at home, and like... it meant so much to me to have him come to /me/ when things were iffy because we haven't spoken for months and he decided to talk to /me/ and urgh yeah. Turns out his grandma's been having lots of falls lately and they've been having to call an ambulance each time because they're afraid to move it and urgh poor kid, love him. I also saw Arran on the way to Triple Science and urgh it was just really actually sort of tolerable. Until now but whatever.

April 15th, 2012 #2

I can't make an intelligible sentence. I just want to cry and throw up and cut and waste away but none of those are an option right now. I feel so scared, so truly terrified of leaving the house on Tuesday to go to school. Whenever I see updates on Facebook with people I know, people who I used to be friends with out at big gatherings and doing cool stuff, I feel so incredibly jealous and at the same time, petrified. Nobody likes me and that's my own fault but it's hard to face.

April 15th, 2012

I'm starting to feel horrid again. It's weird feeling this way and realising I feel much better than I used to, and being unable to handle this. It makes me wonder how I managed to cope before. I promised my sister I'd sleep downstairs with her tonight so I'm going to have to pretend to be happy but I'll stay on the laptop and feel shit again. I don't know why it's hit me so hard this time and why I feel so incredibly horrific - it's not like I've not felt this way before. I think it's because I have school on Tuesday and it's really fucking killing me to know that. I'm so fed up with everyone all the time lol fuck I'm just sort of done and that's it now. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with school and it will upset my mum but I don't care, I don't want to do anything and I feel as if my plans for August are finite.

April 13th, 2012

Most kids would be excited for their parent(s)/sibling(s) to go on holiday without them so they could have countless parties and smoke and drink and do drugs and not give a fuck about anything for a while. The only reason I'm looking forward to it is because it's the only window I have to kill myself. I'm scared about leaving my dog and cats, though. It's all I think about lately. How to plan it so that my grandma or somebody else will get there in time so that the animals don't suffer, but not early enough so that I live. I keep thinking and thinking about it and then I feel so exhausted all the time and just need to sleep. Sometimes I feel like I should be admitted to a psych ward because I can't control myself, but then I realise that that'd just mean that not only do I feel like this, but I have no control over what happens and I can't do anything I'd like to. I feel so guilty and shitty all the time.

April 9th, 2012

I just sort of feel like I'm nothing. I feel so pointless and useless and worthless and more -ess words but yeah okay whatever, fabulous.

April 6th, 2012 #4

Idk this is really weird now... lol. It's weird having people be able to read this and talk to me about it, but at the same time, it's nice because at least I don't have to explain everything to each individual person. I just feel horrible now idk I love you guys a lot.

April 6th, 2012 #3

Perfect being. Lykke Li is the only person I can tolerate - her voice, at least, but same goes for the tolerance of people in general. I'm so tired and finished with everything and I just want to cry so badly. Because I'm sort of... set on summer, I don't see the point in trying hard. School's going to be more difficult because I'll have less reasons to give a shit. I feel so useless and boring and bored and rubbish and I just... I can't explain how alone and yet smothered I feel. My grandma will be round tomorrow and it'll be Easter and shit and all I want to do is cry and get into bed and yeah great, shit. Idk I just feel so finished with everything and at the same time I don't think I'll be able to pull it off.

April 6th, 2012 #2

This is the first time in a little while that I've really just genuinely wanted to be dead. I look forward to the summer for that. My only issue is that I don't have a sure fire way to do it and I don't know what I'll do about that. I feel like horrendously crying but my sister's in here and my mum's home too, so, no I can't.

April 6th, 2012

I really wish mum and J were out so I could just cry. I feel like a bag of nerves and I want to puke and cut and die and I hate myself and everything fucking sucks. I really really hate myself and I just feel like such shit right now.

April 4th, 2012 #3

It was actually sort of lovely. My new GP is so pretty omg and then it was actually nice with Inger. She nearly cried telling me how amazing I am and ughhhh oh my god. She said something like "teenagers are portrayed as bad - and trust me, I've met my fair share - but you're going to be amazing. You've had a real effect on my life." and she nearly cried and I could see tears and ugh it was just awkward and horrid but sort of nice and calming at the same time. It was so weird and wonderful to hear her say that.
I struggled through part of the time, though. She kept talking about how great I'm going to be and how I'm going to excel in life and how I'm going to do wonderful things and how I can only really look back on this time in a year or so.
What the fuck was I supposed to say to that? "Uh, sorry but I'm going to attempt suicide whenever I have the opportunity."? No. So it was sort of horrid that I just sat through that but yeah idk.
Wow I suck.

April 4th, 2012 #2

Oh by the way, if any of you read this/have read any part of it, feel free to mail me (or if you're from Tumblr, post in my ask). It'd be nice to know if people have read it and aren't just quietly creeping and then see me around and don't say anything about it lol.

April 4th, 2012

These babies will be mine in 3-5 working days omg. I won't ever wear them since I hardly ever leave the house but I will idolise them and just feel fab about them ok. So I didn't actually have a blood test - I went to /talk/ about getting a blood test and the doctor is so pretty omg I love him. Anyway, spoke about that and my jabs I'm supposed to have had so I'm getting them all whenever we arrange an appointment. We're going out for lunch soon and I've put some weight back on so I just want to kill myself right now idk. I need to keep losing. I feel ok about having this on my profile because I just don't really give a shit any more. It may seem a bit attention seeking and stuff but idc lol I know why it's linked so it's fine. Mum and J will be back soon and then I'll have to see Inger and ughhhh I thought I was going to be okay with it but she's such a stupid cow that I don't know if I will be. I want to start using this more often again because giving up after a month isn't very ideal. On the basis of following the title of this blog, it's only a tenth of the allotted time and I should probably aim for as much as I can until I most likely manage to pull it off. I've lost everyone and I don't care if people say "awh I'm here for you!" because it's honestly words through a screen.

April 3rd, 2012

I have blood tests tomorrow to determine if anything is physically wrong with me just so we can rule that out. I'm worried that if it's my right arm I'll have to tell my mum to leave the room and ugh this is hard idk yeah ok. Then I have to see Inger and she'll be all sympathetic and piss me off and idk all I want to do is sleep/die/be on the laptop lol. I feel like sharing this blog sort of, because I kind of don't care any more but then it seems attention-seeking. Hm idk. Anyway it's nearly 11.30, I'm getting some Jeffrey Campbell Lita shoes (well ordering them) soon and aw yeah it's nice so I need to sleep. Ok um yeah.

April 1st, 2012 #2

The truth is, I think of killing myself all the time. I never let myself dwell on it, like I don't dwell on Dan or dad or my body or my weight or people. I force myself to switch off because otherwise I imagine I'll really lose it. I feel so unloved and unwanted right now. Well, always. It's my own fault but it still hurts. It hurts a lot and I'm not sure how to fix things any more. I feel like dying and crying and it just feels as if anything at all would be better than life. I'd like to be high and drunk all the time and blunder my way through, but that won't happen due to the fact I can't even leave the house much at all. I think one day when I'm alone for a satisfactory amount of time, I'll just think about Dan and let myself cry and cry and cut and cut and die and die. Same with dad and my body and my weight and people and everything else ever. My mum's going to Sheffield with my sister in the summer holidays (maybe) and that could be my coveted window to die. Maybe.

April 1st, 2012

I WANT TO LIVE!

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