May 31st, 2012

It's weird to think that in three days (I think?) it's been two months since I began regularly documenting my feelings. It's the first time I've stuck to something, and I'm pleased, because it really has helped me so far. I've looked back in the blog and seeing the contrast between the first post and one of the most recent is shocking and also rather wonderful.

I saw Charlie today and felt horrific for the vast majority of the time. I didn't talk much and then I managed to open up towards the end and it was okay. I just slept for three hours and yeah idk I'm just a bit all over the place. I want to climb into bed, cuddle up with my cat and blog forever more but I only just came downstairs so there's no way I can escape away quite yet.

I feel sort of panicked and stuff but whatever, it'll be fine.

May 30th, 2012 #3

Despite my shitty feelings, my day was actually okay

• A arrived at 8.45 and we walked to school for Geography a while later
• Met B and headed up to the park
• Pretty much spent two hours or so in the park tanning/revising and stuff
• S, M, N and L came up and sat with us and we revised and stuff
• N put a little bit of bacon.. stuff into L's bag and omfg idec it was fab
• S and L tried to help me with the crossword and it's certain that we are shit
• I drew dwarves in my science paper

But I feel like I'm going to die from like............. idek I'm just going to die

May 30th, 2012 #2

I'm not sure if I've deluded myself into thinking that I'm ok. Mum's felt worse lately due to Sonya's note and when I say worse, I mean horrific. It's having a huge impact on me and I almost feel as if it's my fault for showing her it despite the fact she asked me to. I feel really numb and horrible at the same time and I'm not quite sure how to process anything.
I'm going to see Charlie tomorrow and for the first time yet with her, I don't want mum to be in there with me. I've finished my Timeline - the main text part at least - but I think I broke our all-in-one printer so I can forget scanning and printing photographs to put onto it. I feel sort of..... idk.
I had my Physics 2 exam today. I expect to get something along the lines of a D - and if not, then most likely a U. I answered most of the questions but it confused the shit out of me and I ended up drawing dwarves over the questions I didn't understand - potted dwarves (dwarves in pots), pot dwarves (smoking, cannabis-loving dwarves) and stuff like that. I'm not sure if it'll even make a difference if they mark me down or not, possibilities aren't looking good.
My laptop's slow and Facebook messages won't load and I feel really numb and raw and a bit like I need to go cut but I won't. I don't think.

May 30th, 2012

Sonya's letter

May 29th, 2012 #2

Sonya's currently telling me about her experience with dad and I don't know how to handle this.

• I'm fucking glad she's telling me. I never knew he was /this/ bad, I thought it was just angled at me and sometimes mum
• Who knew he was verbally abusive too?
• Now I understand why he always cried with joy whenever I did well - at least I'm not a whore
• I have a physics exam tomorrow and I'm considering doing it high or just not turning up or not physically writing anything at all
• Fab

May 29th, 2012

I wonder if anyone I know from school will come across this. I doubt they'll talk to me about it if they do but I hope that they do. Ok cool.

May 27th, 2012

No shame in being vain about my younger self. It's the only time I looked nice. FLAUNT IT. But seriously, it looks like it should be in a magazine or something - no joke. Urghhhh it makes me happy and yep. Idk I feel quite content today. I just feel happy with my appearance (then, not now, that'd be a joke) and it's really cute and great. I'm trying to fill this space because it frustrates me haha. My sister went to my dad's today and has just come home and she's being really cute. I've eaten a shit load of watermelon, watched Mr. Bean's Holiday, practically gorged on rice and basically just been sort of okay.

May 26th, 2012 #2

I was fucking high flying all day so I knew I'd have to come back down sooner or later. I just didn't expect it to hit me like this. I've hit my post limit on Tumblr and I feel shitty and yeah.

May 26th, 2012

I’m not sure if I can adequately describe how great this is. This is my very first blogspot post and to look back on it and feel a least a little better nearly three months on is amazing. Saying “why don’t these fucking anti-depressants work” and then now knowing that they do, that they have, and that I’m actually heading somewhere. I still feel as if I’m drifting and I feel horrific all the time but looking back on this, I remember how I felt then and I realise that things are definitely different now. This optimism I’m spouting is fucking weird but this feels like a windy road to recovery.

May 20th, 2012 #4

"Hi, I really wanted to take the time to thank you for ringing us. It makes me so pleased (as well as mum who keeps crying with happiness!) that you called and we both really hope you'll keep in contact. Mum phoned Grandma not long ago to tell her you rang and Grandma's really happy too. We'll definitely keep it to ourselves, so don't worry at all about dad or anyone else knowing we're in contact. We all love and miss you and it would honestly mean the world to me if you could talk to me about dad. Throughout my childhood I've just... decided that kids felt that way towards their parents anyway, as I never really loved him and I never will. In fact, I fucking hate him. I can't be bothered to deal with him any more but any other "information" of sorts would really help me out. I'd like to keep in contact with you and hear your side of the story, too. I'd love to regularly be in touch because you're one of the few members of our family we still have left.
Mum said she'd also love to know what it is that made you realise he was horrible as he was. Was it how we acted, how we acted, if he said something to you in Persian? She's curious since absolutely everyone we know were shocked when we split, though I suppose I saw it coming.
I'm basically saying that I love you a lot and I really hope things are well with you! Keep in touch x"

I just sent this to my cousin, S, who we just got in contact with again. Cool.

May 20th, 2012 #3

Right Arm

This is May 14th. The most defined one, obviously. It bled throughout my examination and I'm not sure if my mum's realised. I'm fairly sure she doesn't know. I know it sounds terrible and I shouldn't say it but I really, really like how my arm looks here. If the bit just below my arm was slightly more slender I'd be okay with it and I like my scars. I really don't know what I'd be without them. The thought of that terrifies me.

May 20th, 2012 #2

I also had a great dream last night, only I subconsciously woke up crying. D was the focus. I walked into Science and took my seat, before realising that somebody was in the seat that was usually empty beside me and it was Dan. I didn't know that, of course, since I've never seen him before. We had to get these books out and I took mine out of my bag and he took his, and I glanced at it to see "Daniel W (Surname since I don't think it'd be great to say it on Blogspot lol) and I just sort of looked at him for a moment before looking away, because surely it couldn't be my Dan. I looked down at my book and then he said "It's me." I looked back at him and raised an eyebrow, not really trusting myself to speak and not wanting to get played if it was just some guy being a dick. He said "Dan. Online, V and Jack..." and he left it at that and I just looked at him for a moment before throwing my arms around his neck and pressing myself against him and holding him tightly. He wrapped his own arms around my waist and I hugged him and cried into his shoulder and he held me tight for a while before we pulled away and said nothing more. My dreams are always lucid and so I gained some sort of control. Beth walked past me and I went up to her and was nearly hysterical and on the verge of tears and stuff, telling her Dan was here and then it sped forwards to when we were all in one cloakroom - as if the girls and boys had been joined. Emma S was there and it seemed as if we were all doing DofE and she was a "leader" person of sorts. She smiled at me and I smiled back before realising I was standing between Dan and Beth. We were told to get into groups of four and some other people called Dan over, but he shook his head and stayed with me and I felt really, really great.
And then I woke up.
And I realised he would never choose me over anything else.
He doesn't care.
He acts as if he does, and pretends he does, and does it convincingly enough that I rely on him and I love him and I care about him so much that I favour him over my own family. And then he pulls my feet out from under me and I'm left with nothing. Again.

May 20th, 2012

I've become dependant on Jersey Shore. It's all that keeps me from cutting and crying lately and it's weird as fuck to realise that I can't handle things alone. As soon as I had to go for a bath yesterday, I cut and made lots of diagonal lines along the inside of my forearm. I counted them and it's at least 50, but I'm sure they'll fade. I also wrote FAT on my wrist and it's hard to hide it because this arm is the only one I use? If that even makes sense. I don't think it does. But I keep my right under wraps and hide it all the time. If I reach for something with my left, the sleeve slides and you can see the beginning of "FAT" so yeah. It'll be hard but who gives a fucking shit any more.

May 18th, 2012

I feel stupidly horrible for some reason. I've been ill for a while and I still feel it so I spent the majority of the day in bed with my cat and now I just feel like killing myself because I've lost everyone and I'm sat here incredibly bored and even my Dashboard is moving really slowly. It's quickly becoming one of those moments where I feel like I'm going to cry or have a panic attack or some shit.
On a high note, Beth leant me a book earlier in the week - The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. I finished it today and it's now one of my favourite books. Sometimes I feel like Charlie with the way that he thinks so erratically and can't help himself, and sometimes I feel like how Charlie would like to be. I find a way to just... switch off and stop thinking and it just... yep. I feel horrific.

May 16th, 2012

I had my Religious Studies exam yesterday and I was fucking lucky that I revised all the correct things. I managed to answer almost all the questions and I hope I got my B. I'm worried a little bit. I felt ill last week (headaches, dizziness, generally feeling as if I'll puke) and my mum did too. Then it settled at the weekend and came back Monday/yesterday and I more or less presumed that that's because I was anxious about the exam. Towards the end of the exam, though, I felt as if I was going to throw up then and there and was holding on until I could get home and sleep it off... although I haven't shaken it. It's been a week, nearly a week and a half of me feeling shit and I'm unsure whether it's because I lost a substantial amount of blood, or... I don't know. I just feel really horrible and like I'm going to be ill bleugh.

May 14th, 2012

I cut yesterday for the first time in over a month. It was in the bath with the xacto knife that was purchased to use for the timeline. I felt euphoric and I'm fairly sure I hit a vein, artery or damaged a nerve because the entirety of the bath water turned red because blood was pretty much spewing from this certain part in the gash. I have a Religious Studies exam tomorrow that I'm unprepared for and I want to die die die so instead I'm going to go read and try not to cry myself to sleep... and actually try to get to sleep tonight. Ok.

May 9th, 2012

Things are getting better I think. I'm really tired right now and have been loads lately, but school's okay and I'm actually revising every night and things are... okay but I'm still on the fence. I go back to CAMHS to see Charlie tomorrow and she's so lovely and quirky and kooky that it's nice but it really takes a lot out of me and I feel like I'm going to have some mental breakdown whenever I'm there, afterwards, and for a while after and bleugh yeah okay. I miss certain people and my laptop is truly fucked and yep. Idk any more.

May 5th, 2012

This is probably what everyone wants. To die in their sleep when they grow old to save them the pain. Unlike the majority of people, I want this right now. I want to go to sleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow morning. I feel so... truly worthless and horrific and I want to puke and cry and scream and smoke and die die die. I had my first counselling session this week and the woman was lovely. Really truly fucking lovely and it'll be nice to talk to her. The day before that, uncle M came down and him and my grandma were at ours for the day before going to Cyprus the day of my first session, to see the rest of my mum's side of the family. It makes me feel sort of horrid that they're all there and we're here, but... whatever. I just feel like a worthless, disgusting being and I can't shake it. I can feel myself getting fatter and I just want to cry cut die.