April 1st, 2012 #2

The truth is, I think of killing myself all the time. I never let myself dwell on it, like I don't dwell on Dan or dad or my body or my weight or people. I force myself to switch off because otherwise I imagine I'll really lose it. I feel so unloved and unwanted right now. Well, always. It's my own fault but it still hurts. It hurts a lot and I'm not sure how to fix things any more. I feel like dying and crying and it just feels as if anything at all would be better than life. I'd like to be high and drunk all the time and blunder my way through, but that won't happen due to the fact I can't even leave the house much at all. I think one day when I'm alone for a satisfactory amount of time, I'll just think about Dan and let myself cry and cry and cut and cut and die and die. Same with dad and my body and my weight and people and everything else ever. My mum's going to Sheffield with my sister in the summer holidays (maybe) and that could be my coveted window to die. Maybe.