April 13th, 2012

Most kids would be excited for their parent(s)/sibling(s) to go on holiday without them so they could have countless parties and smoke and drink and do drugs and not give a fuck about anything for a while. The only reason I'm looking forward to it is because it's the only window I have to kill myself. I'm scared about leaving my dog and cats, though. It's all I think about lately. How to plan it so that my grandma or somebody else will get there in time so that the animals don't suffer, but not early enough so that I live. I keep thinking and thinking about it and then I feel so exhausted all the time and just need to sleep. Sometimes I feel like I should be admitted to a psych ward because I can't control myself, but then I realise that that'd just mean that not only do I feel like this, but I have no control over what happens and I can't do anything I'd like to. I feel so guilty and shitty all the time.