March 5th, 2012

So, I fucked up. We went and saw Doctor B as a follow-up from being given medication and I just felt so spacey, a little like whenever I get high though not as enjoyable. More... out of body and freaked out. We told her about my symptoms and they should go away within two weeks because the sort of "six weeks" mark is when the medication should kick in and the anxiety and paranoia and such will fade. I really hope it works. I really fucking hope it does. Anyway, it was a weird experience and then I had to go to school at 11.25 to do English, Triple Science, lunch and then Geography. Mum and I had spoken about it earlier and she could tell I probably wasn't going to last until Geography and so e-mailed this lady who works at the school that I'll be in 'til lunch. We got to school and I panicked and she drove back round again, prolonging the time. It's so fucking hard. It shouldn't be, but it is. I just feel so inadequate and unloved and just, ugh I'm just shit. Had English and couldn't last so saw Mrs. H and she seemed so... disappointed and fed up with me and it really upset me since I'd pushed myself a hell of a lot to even step out of the car. I threw my bag in our car and just started saying "I don't care any more, who gives a shit, I don't care about my education, fuck them" etc. etc. etc. and it really shocked my mum and I just started crying and ugh it was fucking horrible, Jesus, the fact I had that sort of reaction. It really angered mum and we spoke about it for an hour or so after whilst Alfie, our miniature Jack Russell was cradled in my arms all cute and sleepy. He helps a lot. I just feel like I can't do anything any more. I want to be dead, I want to kill myself but I can't bring myself to do that yet. I feel so... fucking ugh no I don't know. We have a meeting with Mrs. H and the Education Welfare Officer A.B. tomorrow and they're going to start complaining how I didn't stick to the timetable and all that shit and it's like really, I'm fucking dealing with trying to be alive let alone stick to some shitty timetable. I just can't handle anything and it sucks.