March 23rd, 2012

Idk I cried a lot today. My dad has another six month contract before getting a permanent job for 50k+ a year and idk. Last year at the end of May I burst into tears of relief and joy when he got off the phone from landing a job. I never cry in front of people and it was distant family/my grandma etc. and it was the first time they'd seen me cry and I was just... uncontrollable. And I cried again today and it's horrid because whenever I think of that time, it's just... idk it's hard and horrid and I fucking hate everything. I just can't deal with it at all. I have a part on the back of my wrist that I scratched and I expected it to be a small patch and it's the size of like... idek but it's big and ugh. I just suck.

March 19th, 2012 #2

So today I'm officially starting to stop taking the fluoxetine. I think Dr W will put me on a different sort of medication for older people when I see him next week and ugh idk everything's crap wow. It's going to be really hard getting into school tomorrow but whatever. I'm super crap and I have internal exams soon and it's really hard to think about doing exams when really, I find it hard to feel as if I should be alive. Idk it's like... I have larger things on my mind than passing exams and being sociable. I feel like I could end it at any moment and at the same time I know I couldn't because the only thing I fear more than life is failing to kill myself. I'd only do it if I was sure it'd work. And that's horrid to say given I have my mum and my sister and such, but there it is. I'm struggling a lot. I've never really struggled before. I've always maintained good marks and stuff like that but I just suck lately. A* in English, B in Maths and 2 Cs in my Sciences and even though it's good apart from the Science I just feel so.... horrific. Idk I just, I kind of give up. Alfie attacked me the other day lol lol and I have the most horrid bite mark on my foot. It's going all scabby and starting to bruise and I'm fairly sure it'll scar. Speaking of scars, I spoke to my mum about summer yesterday night - about how I won't be able to wear a short sleeved shirt in the summer and idk she's so...... ok and supportive. I'm so afraid of making her crack and it's so hard to do anything fgs. New LW though: 127.0. It'll have gone up by tomorrow which sucks but whatever, I plan on becoming a complete and total hermit anyway.

March 19th, 2012

March 17th was the worst day I've had in a while. In the evening I just... felt so... I can't even describe it. It was horrific and really fucking scary because I didn't want to sleep, eat, breathe, see, think, feel. I just wanted to be nothing and although I feel that way all the time, this was definitely something else. It's just.... ugh honestly I don't know if I can handle anything any more. I'm supposed to be going to school at 11.25 but I'm so panicky and feel like throwing up and ugh I just, no no no. I don't want to. I really really really don't want to and nobody understands just how hard it is. I'm going to force myself to do some Geography work and then I'll... I don't know. We'll see when my mum gets home. I just have nothing and ugh I fucking give up.

March 14th, 2012

I just feel worse and worse and nothing's getting better. The fluoxetine doesn't seem to be working so when I go back to my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks, he'll prescribe something different. I have school tomorrow and it's going to fucking kill me. I'm so tired of everything and I hate everyone and I'm just... done.

March 13th, 2012

"Imagine if you couldn't say what you thought." My Religious Studies teacher today, first period. All I could think of was that I've done that. For a whole fourteen years of my life, and nearly a year now I've been free of it. I was never able to say what I wanted to because if my dad saw me "having an opinion", so to speak, I'd either be shouted at or ignored for days as a punishment for not sharing his opinion and not being subservient. What really frustrates me is how nobody realises the extent to which I am suffering. Because I'm not lashing out at people or running away or crying all the time, nobody understands how truly horrific I feel all the time. I'm going to see Dr. W tomorrow as the final "check-up", the six week mark for the medication and honestly I feel as if it's done more harm than good. The anxiety, the need to sleep all the time, the nausea, the digestion issues, etc. They're all side effects that should have gone away by now but they're still very present. I don't want to... idk. I just feel so fucking horrible, fucking fucking fucking horrible. I've not got anyone or anything and there's so much pressure and I'm barely at school so I know I'll do bad but ugh fuck it. Idk I just can't make my mind up.

March 11th, 2012

Fucking failure fucking failure fucking failure. I've been anxious about school tomorrow all weekend and now it's finally here and I feel like throwing up. I fucking hate everyone and everything and I just can't handle anything any more. I'm such an idiot it's not even funny and ugh dick head dick head dick head. Cut fast die.

March 10th, 2012

I just feel ready to give up with everything. I think the meds should kick in towards the end of this week/next. I don't know and I'm too tired to care. I want to die and sleep and go on the computer and cry and that's all I want to fucking do. My mum doesn't understand the extent of how horrid I feel. It's only Saturday and I'm already feeling so nervous about school on Monday. I just have to deal with it, but, it's hard. I have to do my second controlled assessment in Child Development and it's creating food and I already know I'll fuck it up.
Nothing makes me happy any more.
I just feel so introverted and shit.

March 8th, 2012

I got my exam results - first proper GCSEs.
English = A*
Maths = B
Chemistry = C (8 marks away from a B)
Physics = C (5 marks away from a B)

I told myself I'd re-take any subject I got less than a B in but I honestly can't handle the hectic stuff let alone attending school in general. People I know are pretty much shocked since I'm never in school - the fact I got those grades by attending, on average, two lessons for each subject is sort of amazing. I feel so rubbish though lol if the science ones were Bs, I'd be happy but they aren't. We're going to the pub to celebrate tonight and I just want to curl up in bed and cry. I saw M today and things are shit for him. His auntie had a stroke - I knew that - but I didn't know that she had a portion of her brain removed and half of her skull disassembled. M's dad has spent the last three days trying to get it through to her that her mother is dead. Shit stuff, he must be going through a lot. I can feel myself wasting away and more and more of these side effects are cropping up as I go. Idk I hate everything and I have nobody.

March 7th, 2012 #3

I feel as if I feel worse than I ever have before. Of course, that probably isn't true. But I cannot put into words how I feel right now. Impossible. I just, I'm such a shit person and everything's shit and I wish I could just will myself to stop breathing.

March 7th, 2012 #2

I just feel so... hopeless and aimless. I'm nothing. I just want to die and get it over and done with. I don't enjoy anything any more. Music means nothing to me. I want to kill myself every time I have a mouthful of food. If I had a gun, I'd end it all now and I know I would. There is nothing that I look forward to any more.

March 7th, 2012

18 minutes past March 6th. Yesterday we saw the EWO, Mrs. H and Mr. H and idk it was ok. I can basically come and go as I please until Easter and then after that idk. I think I'm dropping German and I won't be able to get an EBAC but I feel as if I'll have killed myself by the point of university anyway. Harsh but true. I'm all over the place lately. Consecutive nightmares, a mixture between dream and reality, I just don't know what I'm doing any more. I have lots of work to do for school and I just... don't bother. I feel like killing myself all the fucking time and so the fact teachers and my mum and school and stuff get worked up over work is something surprising to me. Well it's not since they don't know but I just can't..... compute. I can't do anything. Idk. I'm so fucking ugh no I don't know I'm just a dickhead. I really want somebody to love me. Not somebody that's going to be there all the time because I can't deal with that. But just somebody that I know cares about me no matter what. My mum obviously falls into this category but that doesn't count. I fucking hate everything and I don't know how I'm still breathing.

March 5th, 2012 #3

On the plus side, new LW today: 128.0lbs
I ate a lot today though so I'll wake up loads heavier. I just want to be thin.

March 5th, 2012 #2

Oh. I accidentally also told my mum I don't want to be alive when I got back into the car because I was in such a state. Oops.

March 5th, 2012

So, I fucked up. We went and saw Doctor B as a follow-up from being given medication and I just felt so spacey, a little like whenever I get high though not as enjoyable. More... out of body and freaked out. We told her about my symptoms and they should go away within two weeks because the sort of "six weeks" mark is when the medication should kick in and the anxiety and paranoia and such will fade. I really hope it works. I really fucking hope it does. Anyway, it was a weird experience and then I had to go to school at 11.25 to do English, Triple Science, lunch and then Geography. Mum and I had spoken about it earlier and she could tell I probably wasn't going to last until Geography and so e-mailed this lady who works at the school that I'll be in 'til lunch. We got to school and I panicked and she drove back round again, prolonging the time. It's so fucking hard. It shouldn't be, but it is. I just feel so inadequate and unloved and just, ugh I'm just shit. Had English and couldn't last so saw Mrs. H and she seemed so... disappointed and fed up with me and it really upset me since I'd pushed myself a hell of a lot to even step out of the car. I threw my bag in our car and just started saying "I don't care any more, who gives a shit, I don't care about my education, fuck them" etc. etc. etc. and it really shocked my mum and I just started crying and ugh it was fucking horrible, Jesus, the fact I had that sort of reaction. It really angered mum and we spoke about it for an hour or so after whilst Alfie, our miniature Jack Russell was cradled in my arms all cute and sleepy. He helps a lot. I just feel like I can't do anything any more. I want to be dead, I want to kill myself but I can't bring myself to do that yet. I feel so... fucking ugh no I don't know. We have a meeting with Mrs. H and the Education Welfare Officer A.B. tomorrow and they're going to start complaining how I didn't stick to the timetable and all that shit and it's like really, I'm fucking dealing with trying to be alive let alone stick to some shitty timetable. I just can't handle anything and it sucks.

March 4th, 2012 #2

I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow at 10am I think. It's a follow-up thing because I was prescribed anti-depressants by Dr Wardell through my GP and... I don't know. I'm going to have to talk about the shaking and the anxiety and the weirdness with my mouth and blah blah blah. Usually I wouldn't want my mum there but I feel so incapable of anything that I think I'll let her do all the talking for me. It's nearly midnight and I want to rest, soak myself into my bed, enjoy the time I have before the nightmare starts up again but the laptop is still such a temptation. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life any more and it really sucks. I never did have much of a clue but now it's aimless. I wanted to be a psychologist, study psychology at college, get an apartment and a cat or two, be in New York, be great, earn money, live life to the full. And now I get panicked thinking of being alive past my twenties. Life scares me more than death does, but the fear that I won't die and will simply be injured or paralysed scares me more than anything. If I commit, I want it to stick. No dilly-dallying, because that'd be the worst thing to happen.

March 4th, 2012

"Ten months to change your mind." That's what I said to my friend who wanted to kill herself and had ten more months membership left on the website we're both on and speak on. I meant it for her but now I realise it's applicable to me, too. I've wanted to be dead for quite some time now. To simply be dead for a year, maybe two. I've wanted to kill myself for less time than that. Maybe a year, maybe six months. The urge is so overwhelming. I compare every little detail in my life to having no life at all and the second option always wins. I just want to be gone. I don't want anything. I can't deal with anything and I'm constantly letting people down. Pressure. So much fucking pressure. Boiling, bubbling, reaching the surface. I feel so inadequate all the time. There's always something there to knock me back and that's life. I need to deal with it. But I'm not capable of dealing with anything. I just want to sleep and lose weight and cut and die. Sleep cut sleep cut sleep cut die. Lose weight lose weight low bmi low bmi. I'm so ugly and disgusting and I can't deal with facing myself in the mirror. I just want to be skinny and I want to have lots of scars and memories and blah blah blah no. I don't want, oh fuck sake. I just want to die. I'm too afraid of the intense pain at the end, though. If I had a gun, if I had something sure, something worthy that would kill me and assure I stay dead, I'd do it. I don't want a long fall to my death, a whole packet of pills I could vomit back up or a burning sensation. I want fast, sharp pain that'll be over the moment it hits my temple. I want this but I can't seem to make it happen. Uh, anyway. The "ten months to change your mind" plan was that I'd get my friend to write an entry every day or every week, occasionally, keeping track of things and noting down the positives. I give good advice but I seldom follow it. This is my version of "ten months to change your mind", though I'll need longer. I don't think anything will change my mind and I'll just be dead in the end but whatever, this is more or less enjoyable now. Therapeutic I guess. Idk. It's 11pm, school's tomorrow and I'm supposed to be in for three periods. I'm just going to spiral downwards. Why don't these fucking anti-depressants work.