June 17th, 2012

June 14th, 2012
I went to see Ms. R about my Child Development, to ask if I could spread it out across this A2 (maybe?) sized board and she said that’d be great and stuff. I was sort of all over the place and ended up saying “you know it’s just lovely because people are actually talking to me again” and she said “you look so much more approachable. There’s just this… light in your face and you seem so much happier,” and she went on to tell me about her experience with depression and she really related to me and it was fucking wonderful.

June 15th, 2012
I sat in my Chemistry retake and didn’t write a single word. I sat there for an hour and did nothing and it actually felt fab. I then stayed at Max’s overnight with Oli and it was really cute and lovely. I went to see K (his mum) at 10pm-ish to borrow a hair tie and she cleared the sofa bit next to her so I sat down and she just told me to look after myself and really take care because I’m wonderful and wow it was just…. I can’t even believe she said it. I ended up crying (omg what is wrong with me lately) and she was so great and told me about her past with Max’s dad and the previous guy, and F, Max’s older sister and wow it was incredible.

June 16th, 2012
The day of mum’s friend’s fiftieth birthday party. I can’t even… wow. She was crying throughout the day and saying she didn’t want to go and stuff and then I told her to get in the bath and afterwards, we dressed up and just went. I jotted down the experience on my iPod so I’m going to put each point and then probably write a bit ok fab.

• P (birthday girl) and R (husband) hugging and smiling and fab
  He used to be kind of rubbish and stiff and urg and stuff and we disliked him and it was frustrating, but he got help and now his children like and appreciate him and he dressed up as a monkey and properly wildly danced with P and then wow like what the fuck, why couldn’t dad do that? Why couldn’t he change? R realised something was wrong and got help, I just don’t understand why dad couldn’t do the same
• I wore my Jeffrey Campbell Litas
  And wow the compliments I got on my legs and the shoes were wonderful. Really really wonderful and it made me feel great
• T and A are somebody I used to speak to, Ben’s, parents
  We sat with them and L, another friend’s mum - and T was hilarious omg. He told me about Ben and George shooting rabbits with air rifles and then skinning and gutting and eating them and omfg I was just like no don’t say that djgdflkjg no and he had the same look on his face like he couldn’t handle it hahaha and then L started talking about her son smoking and I just sat there really really quietly and T looked at me and was like “does Ben smoke?” and I was just like “erm,” and so he said “so he does.” and I was like “no wait I don’t know, I’ve heard things but I doubt it” and omg it was just really funny ok you had to be there but wow shit I still feel great, fuck
• T: “I’m surprised the rabbits stayed still with all that smoke” - he was great ok hahaha
• Mum danced
  From being really low and crying and feeling shit and (I think) being on the verge of a serious breakdown, she pulled herself together and she actually danced. For the first time in a long time, she got up and went and danced in front of people and actually enjoyed herself. It may have been the four glasses of wine and two shots of vodka, but hey, who cares. She was amazing and I nearly burst into tears because I was so, so impressed and just sat there quietly because… idk I love her so much and she means everything to me
• “You’re really amazing”
  L, the mother of a friend who I’ve known since I was a baby and C, the mother of a popular girl in the year above me were wonderful. I only just met C today but we pretty much stuck with them and when mum went to the toilet, L said “El, you really are lovely, you know that?” and I was just like “erm wait what?” and her and C just started complimenting me so much and I nearlyy cried again oh my god just fuck somebody sort me out

June 11th, 2012

This is going to sound terribly sad and self-pitying but it’s actually a huge thing for me. People spoke to me today. It’s not like I endure the day in silence, but I have two, maybe three people I really exchange conversation with. Today, people actually cared and took an interest and I felt happy for the first time in a very long time. I’m still sort of buzzing and I’d be in school if I’d known where my next lesson was - the classroom was empty so I left. It was just really lovely to feel like people actually cared about how I was feeling and what I had to say.

June 10th, 2012

It's exactly a year since we took our house back. I'm not sure that words can adequately describe this moment.

June 8th, 2012 #2

The only stuff I’m going to leave out is stuff with my mum because I’d rather not remember it lol.
I got to the station, and lucky me, every train that stopped at the place where I needed to go was cancelled. Cloudie ended up sorting it out for me and finding me an alternative route (life saver) so I ended up going one town over and then going from there. I met Yasmin and we hugged and it was adorable and stuff before we hopped on a train to where Cloudie was meeting us. We basically wandered around and did a little bit of shopping (I will make a post later with my fabulous purchases) before going for lunch in this little restaurant-café type place. We sat down and when we’d nearly finished eating, we realised there was this group of people beside McDonalds across the road looking at us… and so Cloudie decides to pretend to be Egyptian and dance around so they all stare and omfG it was the best thing ever, I cannot even describe it to you. Actually we have a video, it will explain it even better omfg let me die, I managed to turn it suavely so that we caught the peoples’s reactions l o l. Yasmin and I heard about Cloudie, her sister and her boyfriend’s tribal dance to Friday by Rebecca Black, her spider stories and we discovered the Italian stare. The McDonalds clan continued to watch us from inside their natural habitat and it was fab. Two guys walked by and one of them was wearing a flat cap and Cloudie was like “ah how cool are they with their flat caps”, and I realised only one of them was wearing it and said “two boys one flat cap” and Yasmin and Cloudie laughed and AW CUTE what a fab new url for me. So many memories will come from it omg. After that, we did more shopping and Cloudie found her perfect prom dress (uh discounting the fact that it is £325 oops) and we shopped and stuff and stuff before going to Costa and then I caught the train home and it was great omg.
Negatives: 

• hurting mum beyond belief
• dry heaving on the train home
• crying hysterically and nearly throwing up in Clapham Junction toilets
• having to leave Yasmin and Cloudie
• feeling ill the whole time l o l

June 8th, 2012

I am meeting Cloudie and Yasmin today. I feel like I'm going to throw up or be stuck on the toilet all day because my stomach hates me and I'm so, so, so fucking nervous. Yasmin is pretty much my life and I just.............. I can't even handle this wow

June 4th, 2012

I'm struggling right now because I want to make this perfect. It means more to me than almost anything else but I'm finding it hard to get it to move smoothly. It's exactly a year and two hours since I last spoke to my dad. At around this time, I was crying and walking the dog with my mum, telling her I couldn't go home after how he'd treated me. After that, I walked across the village at 11pm or so and stayed at a family friend's for the night. When I returned home, he ignored me until we left and went to stay at our friend's for a few days because we couldn't handle being around him. Six days from now it'll be the year mark since we moved back into the house, changed the locks, and kicked him out for good. I have no plans to talk to him ever again because he really, really doesn't deserve it. I can't explain how much this day means to me and at the same time I've more or less just thrown it away. Maybe that was the best way to handle it and yeah ok I think I'll just stop now.

May 31st, 2012

It's weird to think that in three days (I think?) it's been two months since I began regularly documenting my feelings. It's the first time I've stuck to something, and I'm pleased, because it really has helped me so far. I've looked back in the blog and seeing the contrast between the first post and one of the most recent is shocking and also rather wonderful.

I saw Charlie today and felt horrific for the vast majority of the time. I didn't talk much and then I managed to open up towards the end and it was okay. I just slept for three hours and yeah idk I'm just a bit all over the place. I want to climb into bed, cuddle up with my cat and blog forever more but I only just came downstairs so there's no way I can escape away quite yet.

I feel sort of panicked and stuff but whatever, it'll be fine.

May 30th, 2012 #3

Despite my shitty feelings, my day was actually okay

• A arrived at 8.45 and we walked to school for Geography a while later
• Met B and headed up to the park
• Pretty much spent two hours or so in the park tanning/revising and stuff
• S, M, N and L came up and sat with us and we revised and stuff
• N put a little bit of bacon.. stuff into L's bag and omfg idec it was fab
• S and L tried to help me with the crossword and it's certain that we are shit
• I drew dwarves in my science paper

But I feel like I'm going to die from like............. idek I'm just going to die

May 30th, 2012 #2

I'm not sure if I've deluded myself into thinking that I'm ok. Mum's felt worse lately due to Sonya's note and when I say worse, I mean horrific. It's having a huge impact on me and I almost feel as if it's my fault for showing her it despite the fact she asked me to. I feel really numb and horrible at the same time and I'm not quite sure how to process anything.
I'm going to see Charlie tomorrow and for the first time yet with her, I don't want mum to be in there with me. I've finished my Timeline - the main text part at least - but I think I broke our all-in-one printer so I can forget scanning and printing photographs to put onto it. I feel sort of..... idk.
I had my Physics 2 exam today. I expect to get something along the lines of a D - and if not, then most likely a U. I answered most of the questions but it confused the shit out of me and I ended up drawing dwarves over the questions I didn't understand - potted dwarves (dwarves in pots), pot dwarves (smoking, cannabis-loving dwarves) and stuff like that. I'm not sure if it'll even make a difference if they mark me down or not, possibilities aren't looking good.
My laptop's slow and Facebook messages won't load and I feel really numb and raw and a bit like I need to go cut but I won't. I don't think.

May 30th, 2012

Sonya's letter

May 29th, 2012 #2

Sonya's currently telling me about her experience with dad and I don't know how to handle this.

• I'm fucking glad she's telling me. I never knew he was /this/ bad, I thought it was just angled at me and sometimes mum
• Who knew he was verbally abusive too?
• Now I understand why he always cried with joy whenever I did well - at least I'm not a whore
• I have a physics exam tomorrow and I'm considering doing it high or just not turning up or not physically writing anything at all
• Fab

May 29th, 2012

I wonder if anyone I know from school will come across this. I doubt they'll talk to me about it if they do but I hope that they do. Ok cool.

May 27th, 2012

No shame in being vain about my younger self. It's the only time I looked nice. FLAUNT IT. But seriously, it looks like it should be in a magazine or something - no joke. Urghhhh it makes me happy and yep. Idk I feel quite content today. I just feel happy with my appearance (then, not now, that'd be a joke) and it's really cute and great. I'm trying to fill this space because it frustrates me haha. My sister went to my dad's today and has just come home and she's being really cute. I've eaten a shit load of watermelon, watched Mr. Bean's Holiday, practically gorged on rice and basically just been sort of okay.

May 26th, 2012 #2

I was fucking high flying all day so I knew I'd have to come back down sooner or later. I just didn't expect it to hit me like this. I've hit my post limit on Tumblr and I feel shitty and yeah.

May 26th, 2012

I’m not sure if I can adequately describe how great this is. This is my very first blogspot post and to look back on it and feel a least a little better nearly three months on is amazing. Saying “why don’t these fucking anti-depressants work” and then now knowing that they do, that they have, and that I’m actually heading somewhere. I still feel as if I’m drifting and I feel horrific all the time but looking back on this, I remember how I felt then and I realise that things are definitely different now. This optimism I’m spouting is fucking weird but this feels like a windy road to recovery.

May 20th, 2012 #4

"Hi, I really wanted to take the time to thank you for ringing us. It makes me so pleased (as well as mum who keeps crying with happiness!) that you called and we both really hope you'll keep in contact. Mum phoned Grandma not long ago to tell her you rang and Grandma's really happy too. We'll definitely keep it to ourselves, so don't worry at all about dad or anyone else knowing we're in contact. We all love and miss you and it would honestly mean the world to me if you could talk to me about dad. Throughout my childhood I've just... decided that kids felt that way towards their parents anyway, as I never really loved him and I never will. In fact, I fucking hate him. I can't be bothered to deal with him any more but any other "information" of sorts would really help me out. I'd like to keep in contact with you and hear your side of the story, too. I'd love to regularly be in touch because you're one of the few members of our family we still have left.
Mum said she'd also love to know what it is that made you realise he was horrible as he was. Was it how we acted, how we acted, if he said something to you in Persian? She's curious since absolutely everyone we know were shocked when we split, though I suppose I saw it coming.
I'm basically saying that I love you a lot and I really hope things are well with you! Keep in touch x"

I just sent this to my cousin, S, who we just got in contact with again. Cool.

May 20th, 2012 #3

Right Arm

This is May 14th. The most defined one, obviously. It bled throughout my examination and I'm not sure if my mum's realised. I'm fairly sure she doesn't know. I know it sounds terrible and I shouldn't say it but I really, really like how my arm looks here. If the bit just below my arm was slightly more slender I'd be okay with it and I like my scars. I really don't know what I'd be without them. The thought of that terrifies me.

May 20th, 2012 #2

I also had a great dream last night, only I subconsciously woke up crying. D was the focus. I walked into Science and took my seat, before realising that somebody was in the seat that was usually empty beside me and it was Dan. I didn't know that, of course, since I've never seen him before. We had to get these books out and I took mine out of my bag and he took his, and I glanced at it to see "Daniel W (Surname since I don't think it'd be great to say it on Blogspot lol) and I just sort of looked at him for a moment before looking away, because surely it couldn't be my Dan. I looked down at my book and then he said "It's me." I looked back at him and raised an eyebrow, not really trusting myself to speak and not wanting to get played if it was just some guy being a dick. He said "Dan. Online, V and Jack..." and he left it at that and I just looked at him for a moment before throwing my arms around his neck and pressing myself against him and holding him tightly. He wrapped his own arms around my waist and I hugged him and cried into his shoulder and he held me tight for a while before we pulled away and said nothing more. My dreams are always lucid and so I gained some sort of control. Beth walked past me and I went up to her and was nearly hysterical and on the verge of tears and stuff, telling her Dan was here and then it sped forwards to when we were all in one cloakroom - as if the girls and boys had been joined. Emma S was there and it seemed as if we were all doing DofE and she was a "leader" person of sorts. She smiled at me and I smiled back before realising I was standing between Dan and Beth. We were told to get into groups of four and some other people called Dan over, but he shook his head and stayed with me and I felt really, really great.
And then I woke up.
And I realised he would never choose me over anything else.
He doesn't care.
He acts as if he does, and pretends he does, and does it convincingly enough that I rely on him and I love him and I care about him so much that I favour him over my own family. And then he pulls my feet out from under me and I'm left with nothing. Again.

May 20th, 2012

I've become dependant on Jersey Shore. It's all that keeps me from cutting and crying lately and it's weird as fuck to realise that I can't handle things alone. As soon as I had to go for a bath yesterday, I cut and made lots of diagonal lines along the inside of my forearm. I counted them and it's at least 50, but I'm sure they'll fade. I also wrote FAT on my wrist and it's hard to hide it because this arm is the only one I use? If that even makes sense. I don't think it does. But I keep my right under wraps and hide it all the time. If I reach for something with my left, the sleeve slides and you can see the beginning of "FAT" so yeah. It'll be hard but who gives a fucking shit any more.

May 18th, 2012

I feel stupidly horrible for some reason. I've been ill for a while and I still feel it so I spent the majority of the day in bed with my cat and now I just feel like killing myself because I've lost everyone and I'm sat here incredibly bored and even my Dashboard is moving really slowly. It's quickly becoming one of those moments where I feel like I'm going to cry or have a panic attack or some shit.
On a high note, Beth leant me a book earlier in the week - The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. I finished it today and it's now one of my favourite books. Sometimes I feel like Charlie with the way that he thinks so erratically and can't help himself, and sometimes I feel like how Charlie would like to be. I find a way to just... switch off and stop thinking and it just... yep. I feel horrific.

May 16th, 2012

I had my Religious Studies exam yesterday and I was fucking lucky that I revised all the correct things. I managed to answer almost all the questions and I hope I got my B. I'm worried a little bit. I felt ill last week (headaches, dizziness, generally feeling as if I'll puke) and my mum did too. Then it settled at the weekend and came back Monday/yesterday and I more or less presumed that that's because I was anxious about the exam. Towards the end of the exam, though, I felt as if I was going to throw up then and there and was holding on until I could get home and sleep it off... although I haven't shaken it. It's been a week, nearly a week and a half of me feeling shit and I'm unsure whether it's because I lost a substantial amount of blood, or... I don't know. I just feel really horrible and like I'm going to be ill bleugh.

May 14th, 2012

I cut yesterday for the first time in over a month. It was in the bath with the xacto knife that was purchased to use for the timeline. I felt euphoric and I'm fairly sure I hit a vein, artery or damaged a nerve because the entirety of the bath water turned red because blood was pretty much spewing from this certain part in the gash. I have a Religious Studies exam tomorrow that I'm unprepared for and I want to die die die so instead I'm going to go read and try not to cry myself to sleep... and actually try to get to sleep tonight. Ok.

May 9th, 2012

Things are getting better I think. I'm really tired right now and have been loads lately, but school's okay and I'm actually revising every night and things are... okay but I'm still on the fence. I go back to CAMHS to see Charlie tomorrow and she's so lovely and quirky and kooky that it's nice but it really takes a lot out of me and I feel like I'm going to have some mental breakdown whenever I'm there, afterwards, and for a while after and bleugh yeah okay. I miss certain people and my laptop is truly fucked and yep. Idk any more.

May 5th, 2012

This is probably what everyone wants. To die in their sleep when they grow old to save them the pain. Unlike the majority of people, I want this right now. I want to go to sleep tonight and not wake up tomorrow morning. I feel so... truly worthless and horrific and I want to puke and cry and scream and smoke and die die die. I had my first counselling session this week and the woman was lovely. Really truly fucking lovely and it'll be nice to talk to her. The day before that, uncle M came down and him and my grandma were at ours for the day before going to Cyprus the day of my first session, to see the rest of my mum's side of the family. It makes me feel sort of horrid that they're all there and we're here, but... whatever. I just feel like a worthless, disgusting being and I can't shake it. I can feel myself getting fatter and I just want to cry cut die.

April 28th, 2012

I don't know what I'm doing with myself any more lol. I feel really super duper shit today and I shouldn't but whatever. I went to school for four lessons the other day - the most in a hell of a while and that was good but I feel worse than usual now.

April 19th, 2012 #2

I also created this background for my main blog on Tumblr and it's sort of terrible but when it's repeated it's not the worst thing in the world. It's pills - appropriate since my blog is titled fluoxetine.

April 19th, 2012

I went to the dentist today and yay he's called Dr. Pulley (how ironic) and he said my teeth are perfect, I just need to brush them a bit harder and woo fab. I didn't go to school because I cried like fuck last night and it was terrible but yeah whatever. I feel sort of shit now but sort of ok at the same time and just very.... ill for some reason hm.

April 18th, 2012 #3

Cool lol call me a self-centred whore. You're a dumbass bitch so I sort of don't care.

April 18th, 2012 #2

This is one of the few times I wish I had my own room so I could just sit and cry.

April 18th, 2012

Today was actually okay and I have no idea how. Well, school was, at least. Up until 8pm. I went in at 9am and went to Triple Science with Griffin and it was nice and relaxed and Magda smiled at me lots and Finn came and sat with me and Beth helped me and aw yeah it was nice. I walked to Geography with Anouska and I got a C for my Geography skjdfklsdjf fuck but oh well and erm..... yep. Max and Oli were lovely but lol I think everyone just thinks I'm so breakable and weak and stuff so everyone's like... not on edge, but you can tell that everyone works hard not to upset me or whatever. The other Beth caught up to me when I left and I was standing at the top of the girl's cloakroom and we had a super duper lovely chat before Harvey just came at me with his arms open and we had a huge hug and stupid boy has gone and grown again - taller than me and his voice is all deep and cute aw. He texted me a while ago saying stuff was bad at home, and like... it meant so much to me to have him come to /me/ when things were iffy because we haven't spoken for months and he decided to talk to /me/ and urgh yeah. Turns out his grandma's been having lots of falls lately and they've been having to call an ambulance each time because they're afraid to move it and urgh poor kid, love him. I also saw Arran on the way to Triple Science and urgh it was just really actually sort of tolerable. Until now but whatever.

April 15th, 2012 #2

I can't make an intelligible sentence. I just want to cry and throw up and cut and waste away but none of those are an option right now. I feel so scared, so truly terrified of leaving the house on Tuesday to go to school. Whenever I see updates on Facebook with people I know, people who I used to be friends with out at big gatherings and doing cool stuff, I feel so incredibly jealous and at the same time, petrified. Nobody likes me and that's my own fault but it's hard to face.

April 15th, 2012

I'm starting to feel horrid again. It's weird feeling this way and realising I feel much better than I used to, and being unable to handle this. It makes me wonder how I managed to cope before. I promised my sister I'd sleep downstairs with her tonight so I'm going to have to pretend to be happy but I'll stay on the laptop and feel shit again. I don't know why it's hit me so hard this time and why I feel so incredibly horrific - it's not like I've not felt this way before. I think it's because I have school on Tuesday and it's really fucking killing me to know that. I'm so fed up with everyone all the time lol fuck I'm just sort of done and that's it now. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with school and it will upset my mum but I don't care, I don't want to do anything and I feel as if my plans for August are finite.

April 13th, 2012

Most kids would be excited for their parent(s)/sibling(s) to go on holiday without them so they could have countless parties and smoke and drink and do drugs and not give a fuck about anything for a while. The only reason I'm looking forward to it is because it's the only window I have to kill myself. I'm scared about leaving my dog and cats, though. It's all I think about lately. How to plan it so that my grandma or somebody else will get there in time so that the animals don't suffer, but not early enough so that I live. I keep thinking and thinking about it and then I feel so exhausted all the time and just need to sleep. Sometimes I feel like I should be admitted to a psych ward because I can't control myself, but then I realise that that'd just mean that not only do I feel like this, but I have no control over what happens and I can't do anything I'd like to. I feel so guilty and shitty all the time.

April 9th, 2012

I just sort of feel like I'm nothing. I feel so pointless and useless and worthless and more -ess words but yeah okay whatever, fabulous.

April 6th, 2012 #4

Idk this is really weird now... lol. It's weird having people be able to read this and talk to me about it, but at the same time, it's nice because at least I don't have to explain everything to each individual person. I just feel horrible now idk I love you guys a lot.

April 6th, 2012 #3

Perfect being. Lykke Li is the only person I can tolerate - her voice, at least, but same goes for the tolerance of people in general. I'm so tired and finished with everything and I just want to cry so badly. Because I'm sort of... set on summer, I don't see the point in trying hard. School's going to be more difficult because I'll have less reasons to give a shit. I feel so useless and boring and bored and rubbish and I just... I can't explain how alone and yet smothered I feel. My grandma will be round tomorrow and it'll be Easter and shit and all I want to do is cry and get into bed and yeah great, shit. Idk I just feel so finished with everything and at the same time I don't think I'll be able to pull it off.

April 6th, 2012 #2

This is the first time in a little while that I've really just genuinely wanted to be dead. I look forward to the summer for that. My only issue is that I don't have a sure fire way to do it and I don't know what I'll do about that. I feel like horrendously crying but my sister's in here and my mum's home too, so, no I can't.

April 6th, 2012

I really wish mum and J were out so I could just cry. I feel like a bag of nerves and I want to puke and cut and die and I hate myself and everything fucking sucks. I really really hate myself and I just feel like such shit right now.

April 4th, 2012 #3

It was actually sort of lovely. My new GP is so pretty omg and then it was actually nice with Inger. She nearly cried telling me how amazing I am and ughhhh oh my god. She said something like "teenagers are portrayed as bad - and trust me, I've met my fair share - but you're going to be amazing. You've had a real effect on my life." and she nearly cried and I could see tears and ugh it was just awkward and horrid but sort of nice and calming at the same time. It was so weird and wonderful to hear her say that.
I struggled through part of the time, though. She kept talking about how great I'm going to be and how I'm going to excel in life and how I'm going to do wonderful things and how I can only really look back on this time in a year or so.
What the fuck was I supposed to say to that? "Uh, sorry but I'm going to attempt suicide whenever I have the opportunity."? No. So it was sort of horrid that I just sat through that but yeah idk.
Wow I suck.

April 4th, 2012 #2

Oh by the way, if any of you read this/have read any part of it, feel free to mail me (or if you're from Tumblr, post in my ask). It'd be nice to know if people have read it and aren't just quietly creeping and then see me around and don't say anything about it lol.

April 4th, 2012

These babies will be mine in 3-5 working days omg. I won't ever wear them since I hardly ever leave the house but I will idolise them and just feel fab about them ok. So I didn't actually have a blood test - I went to /talk/ about getting a blood test and the doctor is so pretty omg I love him. Anyway, spoke about that and my jabs I'm supposed to have had so I'm getting them all whenever we arrange an appointment. We're going out for lunch soon and I've put some weight back on so I just want to kill myself right now idk. I need to keep losing. I feel ok about having this on my profile because I just don't really give a shit any more. It may seem a bit attention seeking and stuff but idc lol I know why it's linked so it's fine. Mum and J will be back soon and then I'll have to see Inger and ughhhh I thought I was going to be okay with it but she's such a stupid cow that I don't know if I will be. I want to start using this more often again because giving up after a month isn't very ideal. On the basis of following the title of this blog, it's only a tenth of the allotted time and I should probably aim for as much as I can until I most likely manage to pull it off. I've lost everyone and I don't care if people say "awh I'm here for you!" because it's honestly words through a screen.

April 3rd, 2012

I have blood tests tomorrow to determine if anything is physically wrong with me just so we can rule that out. I'm worried that if it's my right arm I'll have to tell my mum to leave the room and ugh this is hard idk yeah ok. Then I have to see Inger and she'll be all sympathetic and piss me off and idk all I want to do is sleep/die/be on the laptop lol. I feel like sharing this blog sort of, because I kind of don't care any more but then it seems attention-seeking. Hm idk. Anyway it's nearly 11.30, I'm getting some Jeffrey Campbell Lita shoes (well ordering them) soon and aw yeah it's nice so I need to sleep. Ok um yeah.

April 1st, 2012 #2

The truth is, I think of killing myself all the time. I never let myself dwell on it, like I don't dwell on Dan or dad or my body or my weight or people. I force myself to switch off because otherwise I imagine I'll really lose it. I feel so unloved and unwanted right now. Well, always. It's my own fault but it still hurts. It hurts a lot and I'm not sure how to fix things any more. I feel like dying and crying and it just feels as if anything at all would be better than life. I'd like to be high and drunk all the time and blunder my way through, but that won't happen due to the fact I can't even leave the house much at all. I think one day when I'm alone for a satisfactory amount of time, I'll just think about Dan and let myself cry and cry and cut and cut and die and die. Same with dad and my body and my weight and people and everything else ever. My mum's going to Sheffield with my sister in the summer holidays (maybe) and that could be my coveted window to die. Maybe.

April 1st, 2012

I WANT TO LIVE!

April Fools

March 23rd, 2012

Idk I cried a lot today. My dad has another six month contract before getting a permanent job for 50k+ a year and idk. Last year at the end of May I burst into tears of relief and joy when he got off the phone from landing a job. I never cry in front of people and it was distant family/my grandma etc. and it was the first time they'd seen me cry and I was just... uncontrollable. And I cried again today and it's horrid because whenever I think of that time, it's just... idk it's hard and horrid and I fucking hate everything. I just can't deal with it at all. I have a part on the back of my wrist that I scratched and I expected it to be a small patch and it's the size of like... idek but it's big and ugh. I just suck.

March 19th, 2012 #2

So today I'm officially starting to stop taking the fluoxetine. I think Dr W will put me on a different sort of medication for older people when I see him next week and ugh idk everything's crap wow. It's going to be really hard getting into school tomorrow but whatever. I'm super crap and I have internal exams soon and it's really hard to think about doing exams when really, I find it hard to feel as if I should be alive. Idk it's like... I have larger things on my mind than passing exams and being sociable. I feel like I could end it at any moment and at the same time I know I couldn't because the only thing I fear more than life is failing to kill myself. I'd only do it if I was sure it'd work. And that's horrid to say given I have my mum and my sister and such, but there it is. I'm struggling a lot. I've never really struggled before. I've always maintained good marks and stuff like that but I just suck lately. A* in English, B in Maths and 2 Cs in my Sciences and even though it's good apart from the Science I just feel so.... horrific. Idk I just, I kind of give up. Alfie attacked me the other day lol lol and I have the most horrid bite mark on my foot. It's going all scabby and starting to bruise and I'm fairly sure it'll scar. Speaking of scars, I spoke to my mum about summer yesterday night - about how I won't be able to wear a short sleeved shirt in the summer and idk she's so...... ok and supportive. I'm so afraid of making her crack and it's so hard to do anything fgs. New LW though: 127.0. It'll have gone up by tomorrow which sucks but whatever, I plan on becoming a complete and total hermit anyway.

March 19th, 2012

March 17th was the worst day I've had in a while. In the evening I just... felt so... I can't even describe it. It was horrific and really fucking scary because I didn't want to sleep, eat, breathe, see, think, feel. I just wanted to be nothing and although I feel that way all the time, this was definitely something else. It's just.... ugh honestly I don't know if I can handle anything any more. I'm supposed to be going to school at 11.25 but I'm so panicky and feel like throwing up and ugh I just, no no no. I don't want to. I really really really don't want to and nobody understands just how hard it is. I'm going to force myself to do some Geography work and then I'll... I don't know. We'll see when my mum gets home. I just have nothing and ugh I fucking give up.

March 14th, 2012

I just feel worse and worse and nothing's getting better. The fluoxetine doesn't seem to be working so when I go back to my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks, he'll prescribe something different. I have school tomorrow and it's going to fucking kill me. I'm so tired of everything and I hate everyone and I'm just... done.

March 13th, 2012

"Imagine if you couldn't say what you thought." My Religious Studies teacher today, first period. All I could think of was that I've done that. For a whole fourteen years of my life, and nearly a year now I've been free of it. I was never able to say what I wanted to because if my dad saw me "having an opinion", so to speak, I'd either be shouted at or ignored for days as a punishment for not sharing his opinion and not being subservient. What really frustrates me is how nobody realises the extent to which I am suffering. Because I'm not lashing out at people or running away or crying all the time, nobody understands how truly horrific I feel all the time. I'm going to see Dr. W tomorrow as the final "check-up", the six week mark for the medication and honestly I feel as if it's done more harm than good. The anxiety, the need to sleep all the time, the nausea, the digestion issues, etc. They're all side effects that should have gone away by now but they're still very present. I don't want to... idk. I just feel so fucking horrible, fucking fucking fucking horrible. I've not got anyone or anything and there's so much pressure and I'm barely at school so I know I'll do bad but ugh fuck it. Idk I just can't make my mind up.

March 11th, 2012

Fucking failure fucking failure fucking failure. I've been anxious about school tomorrow all weekend and now it's finally here and I feel like throwing up. I fucking hate everyone and everything and I just can't handle anything any more. I'm such an idiot it's not even funny and ugh dick head dick head dick head. Cut fast die.

March 10th, 2012

I just feel ready to give up with everything. I think the meds should kick in towards the end of this week/next. I don't know and I'm too tired to care. I want to die and sleep and go on the computer and cry and that's all I want to fucking do. My mum doesn't understand the extent of how horrid I feel. It's only Saturday and I'm already feeling so nervous about school on Monday. I just have to deal with it, but, it's hard. I have to do my second controlled assessment in Child Development and it's creating food and I already know I'll fuck it up.
Nothing makes me happy any more.
I just feel so introverted and shit.

March 8th, 2012

I got my exam results - first proper GCSEs.
English = A*
Maths = B
Chemistry = C (8 marks away from a B)
Physics = C (5 marks away from a B)

I told myself I'd re-take any subject I got less than a B in but I honestly can't handle the hectic stuff let alone attending school in general. People I know are pretty much shocked since I'm never in school - the fact I got those grades by attending, on average, two lessons for each subject is sort of amazing. I feel so rubbish though lol if the science ones were Bs, I'd be happy but they aren't. We're going to the pub to celebrate tonight and I just want to curl up in bed and cry. I saw M today and things are shit for him. His auntie had a stroke - I knew that - but I didn't know that she had a portion of her brain removed and half of her skull disassembled. M's dad has spent the last three days trying to get it through to her that her mother is dead. Shit stuff, he must be going through a lot. I can feel myself wasting away and more and more of these side effects are cropping up as I go. Idk I hate everything and I have nobody.

March 7th, 2012 #3

I feel as if I feel worse than I ever have before. Of course, that probably isn't true. But I cannot put into words how I feel right now. Impossible. I just, I'm such a shit person and everything's shit and I wish I could just will myself to stop breathing.

March 7th, 2012 #2

I just feel so... hopeless and aimless. I'm nothing. I just want to die and get it over and done with. I don't enjoy anything any more. Music means nothing to me. I want to kill myself every time I have a mouthful of food. If I had a gun, I'd end it all now and I know I would. There is nothing that I look forward to any more.

March 7th, 2012

18 minutes past March 6th. Yesterday we saw the EWO, Mrs. H and Mr. H and idk it was ok. I can basically come and go as I please until Easter and then after that idk. I think I'm dropping German and I won't be able to get an EBAC but I feel as if I'll have killed myself by the point of university anyway. Harsh but true. I'm all over the place lately. Consecutive nightmares, a mixture between dream and reality, I just don't know what I'm doing any more. I have lots of work to do for school and I just... don't bother. I feel like killing myself all the fucking time and so the fact teachers and my mum and school and stuff get worked up over work is something surprising to me. Well it's not since they don't know but I just can't..... compute. I can't do anything. Idk. I'm so fucking ugh no I don't know I'm just a dickhead. I really want somebody to love me. Not somebody that's going to be there all the time because I can't deal with that. But just somebody that I know cares about me no matter what. My mum obviously falls into this category but that doesn't count. I fucking hate everything and I don't know how I'm still breathing.

March 5th, 2012 #3

On the plus side, new LW today: 128.0lbs
I ate a lot today though so I'll wake up loads heavier. I just want to be thin.

March 5th, 2012 #2

Oh. I accidentally also told my mum I don't want to be alive when I got back into the car because I was in such a state. Oops.

March 5th, 2012

So, I fucked up. We went and saw Doctor B as a follow-up from being given medication and I just felt so spacey, a little like whenever I get high though not as enjoyable. More... out of body and freaked out. We told her about my symptoms and they should go away within two weeks because the sort of "six weeks" mark is when the medication should kick in and the anxiety and paranoia and such will fade. I really hope it works. I really fucking hope it does. Anyway, it was a weird experience and then I had to go to school at 11.25 to do English, Triple Science, lunch and then Geography. Mum and I had spoken about it earlier and she could tell I probably wasn't going to last until Geography and so e-mailed this lady who works at the school that I'll be in 'til lunch. We got to school and I panicked and she drove back round again, prolonging the time. It's so fucking hard. It shouldn't be, but it is. I just feel so inadequate and unloved and just, ugh I'm just shit. Had English and couldn't last so saw Mrs. H and she seemed so... disappointed and fed up with me and it really upset me since I'd pushed myself a hell of a lot to even step out of the car. I threw my bag in our car and just started saying "I don't care any more, who gives a shit, I don't care about my education, fuck them" etc. etc. etc. and it really shocked my mum and I just started crying and ugh it was fucking horrible, Jesus, the fact I had that sort of reaction. It really angered mum and we spoke about it for an hour or so after whilst Alfie, our miniature Jack Russell was cradled in my arms all cute and sleepy. He helps a lot. I just feel like I can't do anything any more. I want to be dead, I want to kill myself but I can't bring myself to do that yet. I feel so... fucking ugh no I don't know. We have a meeting with Mrs. H and the Education Welfare Officer A.B. tomorrow and they're going to start complaining how I didn't stick to the timetable and all that shit and it's like really, I'm fucking dealing with trying to be alive let alone stick to some shitty timetable. I just can't handle anything and it sucks.

March 4th, 2012 #2

I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow at 10am I think. It's a follow-up thing because I was prescribed anti-depressants by Dr Wardell through my GP and... I don't know. I'm going to have to talk about the shaking and the anxiety and the weirdness with my mouth and blah blah blah. Usually I wouldn't want my mum there but I feel so incapable of anything that I think I'll let her do all the talking for me. It's nearly midnight and I want to rest, soak myself into my bed, enjoy the time I have before the nightmare starts up again but the laptop is still such a temptation. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life any more and it really sucks. I never did have much of a clue but now it's aimless. I wanted to be a psychologist, study psychology at college, get an apartment and a cat or two, be in New York, be great, earn money, live life to the full. And now I get panicked thinking of being alive past my twenties. Life scares me more than death does, but the fear that I won't die and will simply be injured or paralysed scares me more than anything. If I commit, I want it to stick. No dilly-dallying, because that'd be the worst thing to happen.

March 4th, 2012

"Ten months to change your mind." That's what I said to my friend who wanted to kill herself and had ten more months membership left on the website we're both on and speak on. I meant it for her but now I realise it's applicable to me, too. I've wanted to be dead for quite some time now. To simply be dead for a year, maybe two. I've wanted to kill myself for less time than that. Maybe a year, maybe six months. The urge is so overwhelming. I compare every little detail in my life to having no life at all and the second option always wins. I just want to be gone. I don't want anything. I can't deal with anything and I'm constantly letting people down. Pressure. So much fucking pressure. Boiling, bubbling, reaching the surface. I feel so inadequate all the time. There's always something there to knock me back and that's life. I need to deal with it. But I'm not capable of dealing with anything. I just want to sleep and lose weight and cut and die. Sleep cut sleep cut sleep cut die. Lose weight lose weight low bmi low bmi. I'm so ugly and disgusting and I can't deal with facing myself in the mirror. I just want to be skinny and I want to have lots of scars and memories and blah blah blah no. I don't want, oh fuck sake. I just want to die. I'm too afraid of the intense pain at the end, though. If I had a gun, if I had something sure, something worthy that would kill me and assure I stay dead, I'd do it. I don't want a long fall to my death, a whole packet of pills I could vomit back up or a burning sensation. I want fast, sharp pain that'll be over the moment it hits my temple. I want this but I can't seem to make it happen. Uh, anyway. The "ten months to change your mind" plan was that I'd get my friend to write an entry every day or every week, occasionally, keeping track of things and noting down the positives. I give good advice but I seldom follow it. This is my version of "ten months to change your mind", though I'll need longer. I don't think anything will change my mind and I'll just be dead in the end but whatever, this is more or less enjoyable now. Therapeutic I guess. Idk. It's 11pm, school's tomorrow and I'm supposed to be in for three periods. I'm just going to spiral downwards. Why don't these fucking anti-depressants work.